The Class and the Sandwich
by Burningbridges
Summary: RE1 parody. A teacher and five students take a field trip and end up in Spencer Mansion, not knowing that the whole place is full of monsters. Will the STARS be able to keep these six idiots alive? Probably not.
1. The Idiots Arrive

_I had to think a long time about whether or not I wanted to start this story, but I finally decided to give it a whirl and see where it goes… Mostly 'cause I couldn't get the idea out of my head. I really didn't think I should start anything new for a while, but I'm bored, I have a lot of time on my hands (when you don't have a car, a job or the internet, it happens) and my mom was stuck at home with me for a while 'cause the car is busted… again. I do want to parody all of the canonical RE games (I'm also working on 4 right now – 'Letters from Spain'), but I'm not sure if I'll stick with this approach to 1. Before I drop the idea, though, I'm willing to try it. If people like it, and I don't get bored with it, I'll keep it going…_

_This was inspired by reading quotes I wrote down from my old Environmental Science class (I was in a class of total clowns), and hence came the idea of a class taking a field trip, and ending up in Spencer Mansion – unfortunately, shortly after the virus outbreak. I can guarantee you this story will be weird. And people will die. But I hope it makes you laugh (although it might take a little while in the beginning for the humor to kick in)._

_And note, 'Petshez' is not a real name – as far as I know. I mixed around a couple syllables from my own teacher's name and got that. Also, I know the title is retarded… But I'm a huge fan of Jill, and I couldn't resist doing that._

_-----------_

The Class and the Sandwich

By Burning Bridges

Chapter One: The Idiots Arrive

It all began at Raccoon City High School, when an Environmental Science teacher named Mr. Petshez decided to take some of his students on a class trip and posted a sign up sheet… And only five people signed up.

Nevertheless thrilled by the fact that someone actually signed up (he was thoroughly aware of the fact that he wasn't a very popular teacher), he gathered the five kids up one foggy morning and led them onto a short bus, explaining they were heading into the mountains to explore the vast Arklay forest.

What the group hadn't counted on was getting lost on the way up after turning off onto a road that, unbeknownst to them, was the only one the local government hadn't blocked off after the various "monster-related" attacks two months earlier. They drove for about an hour, until the bus ran out of gas, and then began to walk, looking for any sign of civilization. It was getting dark when they spotted a mansion up ahead.

"I'm tired," O'Shinsky, the class joker, whined for the twentieth time in five minutes.

"You only have to walk a few more yards," replied Mr. Petshez, a little overly happy given the situation.

"Do you think we should really just walk into a mansion? Couldn't we get arrested?" Lynn, the smartest of the five, asked.

"We're just looking for help. We can't get arrested for that," answered Brian, the jackass.

"Why did I sign up for this crap?" muttered Alex, the broody goth and best friend of Lynn.

"You just did?" Grompone, the idiot, proposed.

The group of one teacher, three guys and two girls, followed by the bus driver made their way towards the mansion, looking around for anyone outside to ask for help. But the grounds were eerily vacant.

"As far as I've heard, Spencer Mansion is supposed to have a lot of employees. I wonder if they're all inside…" the bus driver said, looking over his shoulders a lot, as if he thought they were being followed.

"Where else would they be, fat ass?" Alex grumbled.

"Why are you such a bitch?" O'Shinsky asked, and she went to punch him.

Lynn grabbed her arm. "Hey, I promised to keep you from starting fights. Just ignore him. And O'Shinsky, shut up."

"You're not the boss of me."

"Don't tempt me to shut you up."

"Why don't we all just shut up?" the bus driver suggested.

"Hey, a dog," Grompone said suddenly, and they all looked to see him walking towards a Doberman that was missing a lot of skin and had white slivers of rib showing.

"That dog doesn't look right…" Mr. Petshez said, as if that wasn't obvious. "I don't think you should go near it."

The dog began to growl.

"Get away from the dog, stupid!" Brian shouted.

"Huh?" Grompone said, turning away from the dog.

"Oh, shit!" screamed the bus driver as the dog for some reason ignored the idiot and came after him instead.

The teacher and five students ran for the mansion, while the bus driver (screaming 'I'm not a deer!') got mauled by a dozen dogs that had come out of the woods. They ran inside, closing the doors behind them.

"What the hell was that about?!" Lynn yelled, leaning heavily against the wall and trying to catch her breath.

"I think this is Mr. Burns' mansion. Someone released the hounds on us," Grompone said, and they all gave him funny looks.

O'Shinsky peered outside through a crack in the door. "I guess the bus driver is dead. It looks like his head just got ripped off."

Alex glared at him. "Well, duh, he's dead."

Mr. Petshez chuckled. "Human tragedy always makes me laugh."

The other five stared, slowly inching away.

Suddenly the door opened, and none other than who we know as Wesker, Barry and Jill ran in.

The two groups just looked at each other.

"Um…" began Wesker, "What are you doing here?"

"We're on a field trip," Mr. Petshez said happily, and the four exchanged odd looks. "What are you doing here?"

"That's really none of your business," Wesker said.

"Well, okay then," Petshez said.

"Alright," Wesker reiterated.

"So who are you?"

"We're members of S.T.A.R.S."

They stared at each other for a long time, like it was going to get them somewhere.

"What's going on here? And where is Chris?" Jill asked in an anxious tone, finally breaking the silence.

"Who's Chris?" Grompone questioned.

"I'm Chris!" responded Petshez.

"The_ other_ Chris," Wesker said, getting a bit annoyed.

"Maybe we should look around…" Barry put forward, wanting to get far away from this weirdo class.

"I agree. But what do we do with them?" Jill asked, pointing to Petshez, who was now rubbing a polishing cloth on his bald spot idly.

"Take them with you," Wesker said, "You know that saying, uh… 'Eight heads are better than one'."

"That's two heads," Lynn corrected.

Wesker gave her a dirty look for a minute before reacting. "Go to hell."

"Excuse me?"

"Nothing. Why don't all of you go through those doors over there, and I'll meet you back here?"

"I'm scared," whined Grompone.

"Me, too," included O'Shinsky.

"Then why don't you two dweebs stay here?" Alex said caustically.

"Okay!" Grompone said gleefully.

"Yeah, we'll stay here with Corey Hart," O'Shinsky said, indicating Wesker.

"Great," Wesker murmured to himself.

The rest of the group went on through the double doors.

"Look, if you're staying with me, you better understand that if you don't do what I tell you, you're dead. Got it?"

"Yup!" they said in unison.

"Now, what are your names?"

"O'Shinsky."

"Grompone."

"I meant your first names."

"We like our last names better," O'Shinsky explained.

"It makes us like Cher," added Grompone. "What's your name?"

"Wesker."

"Are you like Cher, too?"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Come on, follow me."

In the next room…

"What is it?" Jill asked when she spotted the huge blood puddle on the floor.

"I would assume its blood. A) It's red. B) It looks like blood. C) It probably is blood," Lynn said, shaking her head.

"Watch, its Kool-Aid or something," Brian said.

"Strawberry Jell-O," Alex laughed.

"Its blood," Barry said, most likely the last to realize that. "I hope it isn't Chris' blood."

"Well, it's not mine," Petshez said, relieved sounding.

"Jill, why don't you go see what's beyond that door? I'm going to investigate."

"Okay."

"We'll come with you," Petshez said, "Just in case."

They all piled through the door and into a long hallway. There was an odd ripping sound coming from around the corner, and they went to see what it was.

They came up upon a deformed guy shoveling human flesh into his face.

"Holy shit!" Alex said.

"It's Hannibal Lector!" Brian said.

"It's a zombie, you idiot," Lynn scoffed.

"Oh God, shoot it, shoot it, shoot it!" Petshez screamed like a girl, running around in circles.

Jill did just that. She examined the gruesomely battered body. "This is Kenneth from the S.T.A.R.S. Bravo team."

"His head got chewed off, just like the bus driver," Alex said thoughtfully.

"EWW!" Petshez said, jumping around like a total wuss, "Let's go! That is so gross!"

They left the hallway quickly.

"Jill, what happened?" Barry asked as they re-entered the dining room.

"I found a body. Kenneth is dead."

"Casualty of the Human-Tuna war," Brian said and the two looked at him funny, although the other three seemed to get the reference.

The door suddenly opened, and Jill almost had a heart attack.

"What is it?" Barry asked.

"It's a monster!" Jill replied.

"A zombie," Lynn revised.

"I'll take care of this." Barry shot it to death, and then looking down at it, said the stupidest thing ever. "What is it?"

"Why do they keep saying that?" Alex whispered to Brian.

"It's a zombie, dumbass! Does anyone here understand English??" Lynn shouted.

"I think we should report this to Wesker. Let's go tell him." Jill and Barry nodded to each other.

The group headed back out into the main hall.

"Wesker?"

Barry and Jill spent several minutes searching for the missing captain, despite the fact he was obviously not there. Unless he either had the properties of a chameleon, could walk on the ceiling or sink into floors.

"Where did he go?"

"Somewhere," Brian answered.

"Why don't you go that way and see if you can find him? I'll go back in there and look around a little more. If anything happens, let's meet back here."

"Agreed," Jill said, turning to the others. "Come on, guys. You can help me look."

"Sure," said Petshez.

"Right-on," said Lynn.

"Word," said Brian.

"Oh fuck. Here we go again," said Alex.

---------

_Well, that's the first chapter – hopefully they'll improve as I get used to writing as my characters. I'm trying to come up with Environment-related jokes for this, about stuff I learned in that class, but I really need to think back a little bit. I still have all my old tests and study guides, and those are from two years ago…_

_Oh well, I've got to wrap this up for now. It's very early, I'm very tired, and I need to work on a new chapter of my RE4 parody. Night-night (watch, you're probably reading this in the middle of the day, or something)._

_Anyway, leave me a review and let me know what you think of my newest story!_


	2. When Birds Ignite

_Okay, another chapter coming right up. I've still got very little idea what this will be about, but I'm already thinking about who of my characters are going to die, and how. But that's a secret, so you'll just have to see for yourselves._

_I wasn't originally sure which version of RE1 I was going to do, but I think I'll do the Director's Cut – that was my favorite version of the PS editions, and plus it was creepier to me. I just can't remember really well where the items were in that game… I'll have to get playing._

---------

Chapter Two: When Birds Ignite

The group of seven had gone through the blue double-doors and after some poking around, found themselves in a long corridor full of cases that contained rather… interesting… items.

"What the hell is that thing??" Alex said, looking in disgust at one of the objects.

"I'm not totally sure, but I can take a wild guess at what it can be used for…" Lynn answered.

"Like what?" Brian asked and they both looked at him funny.

"Use your imagination."

"Uh… Nope, nothing."

"You dork," Alex said, whispering something in his ear.

"They'd use it for that?"

"Possibly," Lynn said.

"So then, what's that?"

"That would appear to be… a half-eaten twinky in a skull?"

"I think we maybe we should get away from this case," Alex said, "It's starting to creep me out – and not a lot does creep me out."

So they moved on to another one. "Is that a can of soda??"

"Yes, looks like the brand I drink," Lynn said, just a tad weirded out. "But it's labeled John Cleese."

"Who's John Cleese?" Brian asked, totally clueless.

"A British actor who was on Monty Python and Fawlty Towers."

"And… Why is there a can of soda with his name on it in the case?"

"How do you expect me to know? Given the twinky back there, I'd say the people here weren't totally with it."

"Aren't you a John Cleese fan?" Alex asked, eyeing Lynn.

"Err… Yeah. So?"

"How do we know you didn't put it in there?"

"Are you a retard?"

"Yes."

"Shut up."

"Ladies – and one gentleman – we've been waiting for you for ten minutes. Come on!" Jill called to them from down the hall.

The three ran down the hall to join them, nearly tripping over the corpses of two more Dobermans that Jill had slain during the absence of their attention.

Once they were all together again, they continued through the door and into another area, where there was a maze of doors.

"This one's locked," Petshez announced, turning the knob of the first door. "You want me to break it down?" Before Jill could answer, he ran headfirst into the door… And nearly knocked himself out.

"I was about to say no thanks, but you didn't give me a chance," Jill said, raising an eyebrow at the balding moron. "Let's go see what's in these other rooms before we go breaking down anything with our heads again, shall we?"

They continued around the corner, and through the next door they found. It was a bathroom.

"A bathroom?" Brian asked, seeming very confused. "Why is there a bathroom?"

"What do you mean? Everyone needs bathrooms," Alex replied.

"No if they're zombies," Brian said matter-of-factly.

"You dumbass, they more than likely weren't zombies when they built the place," Lynn said, and he just looked at her.

"They could have hired someone to build it for them."

"How?! They're not intelligent!"

While the two had their fascinating discussion, Jill decided to gaze in the mirror for the hell of it. But she was so absorbed in the fact that her hair didn't look quite right, she didn't realize that a zombie was sneaking up behind her.

"Oh crap!" shouted Petshez, who was quickly becoming paranoid about seeing the undead humans lurking around. "Oh crap, oh shit, oh crap!"

"What's wrong? Is the toilet dirty or something?" Jill asked, and then she was grabbed by the zombie. She managed to shake it off, and then turned around and shoved it… Right into Petshez.

Petshez shrieked like a raccoon being killed by a bear, and started doing his "grossed out" dance again, gingerly shoving the zombie back towards Jill.

"Why are you playing hot potato?" Alex asked tetchily, grabbing a soap dish off of the sink counter and throwing it at the zombie's face.

The zombie moaned, picking the soap dish up off the floor and trying to eat it.

"You know, now would be a good time to shoot it," Lynn said.

"One problem," Jill answered. "I'm out of bullets."

The five of them exchanged looks. "RUN!"

They all piled out of the room, into the hallway. Once they were sure the zombie wouldn't follow, they continued around the corner, finding a single door opposite double doors.

"Hm. Which way should we go?" Brian asked, taking out the map he had swiped from the statue in the blue room. Then he stared at it, apparently waiting for a response.

"Would you just look at the map already?" Lynn asked.

"Wait. It's about to say something."

"Give me that!" she took the map away from him. "It looks like the single door room leads to a dead end. Let's go there first."

Unfortunately, inside there were three zombies hanging around. Petshez nearly began to cry, while his three students tried to stay close to the door and Jill fought her way over to the shotgun on the wall. Then she took about five minutes to wait for the zombies to make their way over to her before she shot them.

"Well, there's nothing else in here. Let's leave."

As soon as they went back into the previous room, the ceiling began to drop and the door locked.

"Um…" Lynn said, looking at the descending ceiling. "Shouldn't we maybe just go back in the other room? I would assume the shotgun you took probably tripped the trap."

"And what if it didn't? Then we'd be stuck in there," Jill said, standing in the middle of the room resolutely.

"Well, you could always tunnel through the wall. It would be better than getting crushed…"

"What's going on?" Jill suddenly asked, about two minutes late.

"Jill? Is that you?" came Barry's voice from outside of the room. "What's going on?"

"I have no idea," she said, staring up at the ceiling. "But the door is locked."

"Hold on, I'll break it down!" Then he kicked it open. "This way!"

"Well, duh! Where else would we go?" Alex asked as they got back out into the hall.

"Oh, Barry! You saved our lives!" Jill said.

"Although, we could have just put the shotgun back and avoided the whole thing," Lynn added.

"You were almost a Jill sandwich… with student and teacher potato chips!"

"Mmm," Brian said, rubbing his stomach.

"You're right," Jill laughed. "But, Barry, you said you were going to do some research in that dining room. What are you doing here?"

He didn't respond right away. "I thought of something I wanted to tell you."

"So, what was it?" Alex asked.

"Uh… I forgot. But anyway, we should get looking for our missing captain again." He turned to walk away.

"Barry – thanks," Jill said.

"Yeah, yeah."

"That was rather suspicious," Lynn said, looking in the direction Barry had gone.

Meanwhile, in the second floor sitting room…

Wesker was sitting in the rocking chair in the center of the room, watching the two kids that had come with him poke one of the stuffed birds in the corner. He had figured that since these two seemed so stupid, it couldn't hurt to let them tag along and feed them to any monsters he happened to have run-ins with – but now he was beginning to wonder if the monsters would even waste their time on these idiots.

"I'm going to teach the birdie to fly!" Grompone said happily, taking the dead bird off its perch and chucking it across the room. It hit the wall and then the floor with a succession of thuds.

"The birdie doesn't fly very well," O'Shinsky said disappointedly, poking the bird with the toe of his shoe. "Maybe it just needs some help." Grompone joined in on the poking.

"Try setting it on fire," Wesker muttered sarcastically, and the two boys paused their poking of the tropical bird, staring at each other intensely.

"That's a perfect idea. Thanks, Agent Smith!" Grompone said cheerfully clapping his hands.

"I'll just pretend you don't keep comparing me to these people."

They weren't paying any attention, as they had already started trying to set the bird on fire with pieces of wood they'd broken off of something.

"You'll never set it in fire like that," he said, going to rock back in the chair when it suddenly tipped backwards and hit the floor with a loud clunk. "Let me guess. You took the wood from the legs of the rocking chair. You fucking morons…"

No sooner had he said that, than O'Shinsky held up the now flaming bird triumphantly. "Yay! Fly birdie!" Then he threw it, and it landed a little too close to Wesker's head, setting his hair on fire. "Uh… Sorry 'bout that."

"About what? Oh fuck!"

Back with the others…

Jill had led the group through the double doors and into the next area, where they played "What's behind this door?" and eventually ended up in what seemed to be some sort of gallery.

"Why are all these paintings so…?" Brian began.

"Old?" Alex asked.

"Classical?" Lynn suggested.

"Creepy?" Petshez posed, giving the crows perched overhead a cautious glance.

"No. Terrible."

"I think they're depicting some guy's life, or something," Jill said, looking over the first couple again. "What are these buttons for, anyway?"

"I'd imagine they're meant to be pushed," Lynn said with some sarcasm.

"Well, duh," Jill answered starting for the final painting of what appeared to be a depiction of a funeral, "But how'd the crows get in here?"

"Maybe their ecosystem expanded," Petshez replied.

"Into a mansion? All the crows want to live in houses now. Next they'll learn to cook and use telephones," Alex murmured.

"Come on, Alex," the Environmental Science teacher said merrily, "Turn that frown upside down!"

"Charlie Brown?" Brian asked.

"What? No – how did you get that out of what I said?" Petshez scratched his bald spot in confusion.

"Maybe if I push this button…" Jill trailed off, pressing the button under the funeral picture after she had played around with the order of the others.

The picture fell off the wall, and she pulled out a crest. "Huh. What is this for?"

"Caw-caw!" Petshez was saying to the crows for no apparent reason, when his chrome dome caught the light from the spotlights where the crows perched, and blinded the birds. They began flying around, cawing nastily. "Caw?"

They all flocked to him, covering him like a crow blanket.

"I'm outta here!" shouted Brian, running for the door like mad, and joined by the three ladies.

Safely outside, they assumed the teacher was dead and bowed their heads for a eulogy by Brian. "Joy to the world, the teacher's dead. Crows pecked off his head. What happened to the body, we flushed it down the potty - "

"Who's head?"

There was Petshez, covered in bird crap and black feathers, but without any trace of even a scratch.

"We thought you died," Jill explained, and Petshez shook his head with a smile.

"Nope. I asked, and they just wanted to steal my watch for nesting material."

They stared at him.

"Right…" Jill said uncomfortably, "We're leaving now."

"What? The crows like Rolexes."

-------------

_Eh… I really didn't want to end it there, but I couldn't think of anymore right now. I'm also feeling sort of… un-funny… I dunno why. I guess it's because I have so much serious stuff on my mind, that I need a dose of comedy. Well, the next chapter I'll try to make more entertaining. For now, I've got to go take care of some things._

_TTFN – ta ta for now! (Damn you, Tigger…) Anyway, I'll be back – so let me know what you think! And maybe give me a suggestion for who should die first…_


	3. Occupent Corruption

_Well, here I am again – a little earlier than normal, 'cause the library is closed Saturday and I won't be on again until next week. I was actually going to update "Letter's From Spain" along with this, but I procrastinated and lost the opportunity to work on it._

_I think I might screw around with the dialogue and plot in this one – well, more than I have already, anyway. I think I'm going to find a way to do a crossover of Jill and Chris' scenarios and see where they end up in relation to each other – which will probably be something weird. This will probably get more and more ridiculous over time, actually._

_And to answer the one review – yes, the director's cut is different, but just a little bit. They moved stuff around, took out a couple cut-scenes (which I think I'll include, anyway), made some of the zombies faster (called "hyper zombies") and just weird little details, like camera angles. I like it better because it was a bit harder than the original, and it had the zombified Forest._

-------

Chapter Three: Occupant Corruption

The group had headed through the blue door and found themselves on the lower floor of a room that looked like it might be found in an older relative's house… And smelled like it too.

"Ugh, this place smells like old people…" Alex said, rubbing her nose.

"More dead people, hooray," Lynn muttered, and Petshez began running around her in circles, screaming.

The screaming attracted the zombies upstairs, which fell down the stairs in a huge heap and died. Petshez ran past them up the stairs, screaming bloody murder until he reached the top. "Okay, the top floor is clear!" he said happily, and they all pretended that he wasn't a complete idiot. "What's wrong with this door? The knob must be broken."

"Don't try to - " Jill started, but Petshez ran into the door, apparently convinced he made a good battering ram.

Surprisingly, the door actually creaked open. And there was a lot of screaming in the room.

The group ran upstairs, and pushed the door open to find… A couple of young women sitting in the small study, playing a game on a PlayStation and screaming.

Jill recognized the one. "Rebecca? From Bravo team?"

The students knew the other. "Brenda?" they said collectively.

"Hi," the two replied in unison, ceasing their screaming.

"Uh… What are you doing here? For that matter, what are you doing, period?" Jill asked, watching as something that looked like a frog chased around a guy that looked slightly familiar on the TV screen.

"I got separated from the others, some stuff happened, and I found Brenda. Then she invited me to play this really scary game with her," Rebecca explained.

"And I forgot the trip was today, so my dad had to drop me off in the woods on his way to work. Then I got chased by a dog and ended up in this swanky place," Brenda added.

"Okay… But what's with the TV and PlayStation?" Brian questioned, disturbed by the utter strangeness of the situation.

"Dunno. They were here when I found the room."

"We're taking turns playing this game called… Occupant Corruption? Something like that. Want to join us?" Rebecca asked, holding up the controller.

"No. We really need to find the Alpha captain. He went missing," Jill answered, moving towards the opposite door. "Would you like to come with us?"

"I've got something I should do first – but I'll catch up to you later," Rebecca said, getting up and leaving rather quickly.

"I'll come with you," Brenda offered, and Lynn practically tackled her.

"Yay, Brenda!"

Then Alex joined in, and the three of them did something vaguely reminiscent of Ring Around the Rosy, chanting "Brenda, Brenda, Brenda!"

"Maybe we should get a move on now?"

They stopped and stared at Jill. "Okay. Brenda, Brenda, Brenda!" They danced right out the door.

The group made their way through the corridor, finding a lot of locked doors and heading for the nearest exit, while Petshez read a green book about Botany he found on a table.

Meanwhile…

Chris was completely lost, and he now found himself in a horribly decorated room on the opposite side of a stairwell. He had noticed a couple of zombies by a far door, but they were apparently too busy vomiting acid on each other to have noticed him.

"Hm… Should I go downstairs, or stay up here? Up or down? Up or down?"

In the sitting room, about four yards from Chris…

"You retards, you singed my perfect hair," Wesker grumbled, examining himself in a mirror he happened to have on him, after putting his head out and prohibiting any further playing with the stuffed birds.

"It wasn't perfect," Grompone replied.

"Yeah. It was kinda ugly," O'Shinsky added.

"I wasn't asking for your opinions. Just shut up and leave me alone… Do you hear that?" Whatever it was, it was indistinct, but very close by. He got up and went to the door, listening intently.

In the hall…

"Hakka la lakka la," Chris said, speaking gibberish for no reason, other than to maybe amuse himself while he made the decision where to go. Suddenly, he heard something. "What was that?"

He went over to the room closest to the stairwell, and put an ear to the door.

In the sitting room…

"I told you two, shut the hell up. I'm trying to hear something."

"But I want to play a game," whined Grompone.

"I need to use a bathroom," O'Shinsky said.

"Me, too."

They began jumping around the room. "Bathroom! Bathroom!"

Out in the hall…

"Bathroom?" Chris asked, giving the door a funny look. "Is this a bathroom?"

In the sitting room…

"Bathroom! Bathroom! Bathroom!"

"Shut the fuck up already!"

Out in the hall…

"Alright, alright, I'll shut up and leave," Chris said to the door resentfully, turning to head for the stairs. "Now I need to go to the bathroom…"

In the sitting room…

"Great, whatever it was, you scared it off. Don't you know how to follow directions?"

"… No," they responded. "Bathroom?"

In the main hall, second floor…

The group had just entered the main hall again, when Barry suddenly came running up. "Jill, I found something I think you could use."

While Barry went on and on about acid rounds he'd found, the others watched Brenda wander towards a door on the other side of the second floor and then disappear through it.

"Oh, and I forgot to give this to you before – it's a lock pick so maybe you'll become the Master of Unlocking. You'll probably need it."

"Thanks. I probably will."

"I'm going to go look around some more. Take care!" He ran off, leaving the main hall through the door Brenda had gone through.

"Let's see what's through that door over there."

The group headed through a door that was a little ways from them, and entered a small hall where someone had smeared blood on the wall.

"I hope this blood isn't from any of my teammates," Jill said to herself, opening the next door.

They walked out onto a moonlit balcony, finding little more than a table… And a body.

"Oh my God, it's Forest!"

"Who's Forest?" Brian asked.

"It looks like he got pecked to death by crows. Let me have a closer look…"

She drew nearer, and went to lean close, when Forest suddenly moaned and jumped forward, trying to get up.

Petshez shrieked and chucked the book in the air, grabbing a nearby chair and throwing it at the zombie. To everyone's surprise, it actually hit Forest, knocking him right back into the railing he'd been leaning against and breaking his neck. Jill quickly finished him off, beginning to pick through the random stuff left around.

"Is it just me, or does he remind you of Jim Varney in the Ernest movies?" Lynn asked.

"Eh, maybe…" Alex said, studying him carefully. "Maybe it's the vest?"

"Yeah, probably. I can't picture Jim Varney with that mullet-looking hairdo."

"Hey, look. I found a bazooka, and a key," Jill said, and Lynn gave her an odd look.

"Why the hell did he have a bazooka? Is this Medal of Honor, or something?"

"Run for your lives! She has a bazooka!" Brian said.

"Excuse me, but you forgot your grenade," Alex added.

"Where's Brenda?" Jill asked, just now realizing she was missing.

"She went to explore the room on the opposite end of the main hall," Petshez said, trying to avoid looking at the corpse by keeping the now beaten-up book in front of his face.

"We'd better go find her. This place is dangerous."

They headed back into the main hall, crossing to the door Brenda had gone through. Brenda was waiting for them, standing next to a gap in the railing overlooking the dining room, apparently unaware of the zombie pushing the statue up behind her.

"Hey, guys! Isn't this place just beautiful? The decorating is sort of bad, but the architecture itself is really nice - "

"Brenda, watch out!" Brian shouted, but she ignored him.

"This place should have been co-designed by Frank Gehry or something. Then it would have been even cooler."

"Brenda, shut up and turn around!" Alex yelled.

Brenda turned just in time to come face to face with the statue as it was pushed into her. "Oh crap! This statue is invading my personal space!"

Unfortunately, the zombie was of the hyper variety, so it was faster and a little stronger than a normal one. Without much effort, it pushed Brenda and the statue off the second floor… And they landed with a splat.

The statue crushed Brenda, painting a good deal of the floor with blood and brain matter. The zombie began doing a victory dance that looked a lot like The Egyptian, and high-fived another zombie that walked up to him.

No one seemed terribly upset, except Lynn. In disturbed awe, maybe.

"What the fuck?! Brenda!" she started crying, while the others just gaped.

"What just happened?" Alex asked.

"I'm not sure," Petshez answered.

"I guess Brenda should have been paying more attention," said Brian.

"What is wrong with you?! Brenda just died! She was one of our best friends!" Lynn continued sobbing.

"Let's have a moment of silence, for Brenda," Jill suggested, and everyone fell silent, with the exception of the hysterical Lynn.

"DON'T YOU FEEL ANYTHING?! Our friend just DIED!"

No one said anything for a moment. Then they started for the next exit.

"Oh my God, everyone around me is insane…" Lynn kept crying, falling into step behind the others.

"Not insane, just incredibly desensitized," Brian said a little too happily. "You'll get used to it."

---------

_Okay, that was a weird ending – and so the deaths begin. They'll occur slowly, but I'm pretty sure that in the end, only two of my characters will survive. And the end I have in mind is actually sort of humorous, if not creepy. I think most of the deaths will be caused by the zombies playing pranks on the characters, that go horribly wrong._

_Yeah, "Occupant Corruption" is quite possibly the worst play on "Resident Evil" I've ever heard, but it was the only thing I could think of._

_And don't ask me why Chris wouldn't have just checked to see what was in the "talking" room, he just seemed like that kind of an idiot to me._

_Well, that's it for this chapter. Leave me a review and let me know what you think!_


	4. The Munchies

_Let's see… Where do I want to go with this chapter? Not really sure, actually – I had writer's block for a while and then that went away, but something else came up, so I haven't put much thought into it… I've been trying for weeks to update it, but every time I went to work on it, I ended up putting all my effort into other stuff and running out of time – now that this is updated, I've got to worry about "Letters from Spain"…_

_I've actually been toying with the idea of killing another person off (because it leads to a reoccurring thing in the plot) but I think it's a little soon. I'll have to see what happens._

_The plot's probably going to get somewhat twisted around and weird from this point, just like "Letters From Spain", and… Well, it will definitely be weird._

_Now, before I get to the story, I want to take a moment to address an issue that came up in the country recently – MRSA outbreaks. I keep hearing about it on the news, and I fail to understand why it's only come to attention now, when the actual outbreak problem started at least two years ago. I want everyone to be careful, because this is a potentially lethal disease. It's usually contracted by people with weakened immune systems (which is why you find it in nursing homes), although having surgery and open wounds are also factors, and some people who are infected don't actually develop symptoms (nurses tend to become carriers). It's most often spread through contact with the mucus membranes (the nose and eyes). The best course of action is to follow good hygiene procedures, wash your hands often, avoid rubbing your eyes or nose with your hands after contact with anything people handle a lot, and if you have an open wound be sure to clean it thoroughly often. I saw and had to work around numerous people with MRSA in the hospital where I interned, and I know how serious the disease is – it really hits you the first time you see one of those oozing, ulcerated abscesses in real life. I've been up close and personal with it; quite literally, if you count the microbiologist that kept sticking petri dishes full of MRSA bacteria in my face. A lot of people probably think it could never happen to them, but I know how real that possibility is, and I want everyone to keep that in mind. I'm going to post this in a few of my stories to spread the word, so if you read more than one of my stories, sorry for the repetition._

------------

Chapter Four: The Munchies

The group had entered a somewhat cramped hallway/room-type thing that had been decorated by someone with questionable sanity. The wallpaper looked as though it had been made by getting a bunch of people sick with food poisoning, and there was no question that the way the colors clashed with the hardwood floor and railing was a bit hard on the eyes. Lynn had since calmed down a little bit, but she was now twitching uncontrollably like a nervous wreck, and eerily silent.

The others, still rather indifferent about the scene they had just witnessed, paid her no mind at all.

"These doors are both locked. I guess we're heading downstairs or something," Jill said, and Alex piped up.

"Well, the only other way to go is through the window."

"That sounds like a legitimate idea," Petshez said, but Jill stopped him.

"Don't even consider it. I think you running into the doors was bad enough," and then added under her breath, "Idiot."

"What?"

"Nothing. Let's hope that there's none of those monsters down there."

"Oh, there will be. You know it," Lynn murmured, and Brian gave her a funny look, tapping Alex on the shoulder.

"What's her problem?"

"How the hell should I know?"

"You're her best friend."

"So? It's not like I can read her mind."

He stared at her. "Why don't you just ask her?"

Alex thought. And she thought some more. "Nah."

As soon as they went down the stairs, a zombie Doberman jumped through the window. It ran around for a second, while they tried to run for the nearest door, and then cornered the twitching Lynn on the last step, staring at her.

"Just kill me," she said miserably, right before the dog jumped on her… And began humping her leg. "God, get it off! I wanted to die, not this!"

Jill came back over, shot it… and then began laughing at her despite the suicidal comment.

"Yeah, ha ha. How funny," Lynn grumbled, getting up and joining the group in the small room next to the stairs.

"Ooh, a bed!" Petshez said happily, throwing himself onto the mattress… And bouncing right back off, landing on the floor with a loud THUD! "Ouch… That's one springy mattress…"

"Let me try!" said Brian, jumping onto the bed, bouncing off and landing right on Petshez.

"Brian… I think you just ruptured my liver…"

"I wish someone would rupture my liver," Lynn murmured, and everyone collectively gave her a funny look. "What?"

"Why do you think there are typewriters all over this place?" Jill asked suddenly, poking a few keys on the typewriter in the corner and typing the word 'Ass'. "The guy who owns this place is rich – you would think he could afford computers."

"Maybe he just doesn't like the people here enough to give them decent technology," Alex said, picking through stuff on the shelf. "Antiv en om? What is that?"

"Don't you mean anti-venom?" Jill questioned, raising an eyebrow at her.

"Whatever. I can't read."

"You can't read? How did you get this far in school?"

"Luck?"

"Or maybe the school just doesn't pay attention to actual learning ability," Brian added, and Alex tackled him.

"Oh, come on, come on, people! No fighting," Petshez said, finally getting off the floor. "Violence doesn't solve anything."

"Fighting solves everything," Lynn said quietly, idly rearranging a bouquet of herbs she'd been gathering along the way.

Everyone stopped what they were doing, looking at her like she had twelve heads.

"She is really beginning to creep me out," Alex said, and the others nodded in agreement.

"I'm sure Lynn will be fine – she just needs some love!" Petshez said, ever encouraging.

"Well, there's a bed right there," Brian answered matter-of-factly.

"Brian, I didn't mean that kind of love. Get your mind out of the gutter."

"Don't bother. That's where his body will end up when he dies," Alex piped in.

"Everyone will die here," Lynn said, gripping the stems of the herbs so tight that they crunched. "All and sundry will meet their end in this massive death trap."

"… That's it, I'm getting out of here," Jill said simply, arming herself and heading for the door in a hurry. The others followed, and they continued into the hall, that is, until two more Dobermans jumped through the windows. "It just never ends."

The one dog sat down, raising a paw to his chin contemplatively. "Bark, woof ruff?"

"He just asked if, figuratively, anything ever ends," Petshez explained, and the group looked back and forth from the dog to the teacher.

"Bark bark woof bark."

"He's babbling about something in quantum physics involving putting a destroyed building back together particle by particle."

They had no idea what was weirder – Petshez talking to a zombie dog, or a dog talking about physics.

"Um… We should really be going…" Jill began inching for the door.

"Ruff. Bark woof woof ruff, grr."

"He says that's fine, but he and his friend are hungry, and they were really expecting a dinner of living human flesh."

"Why does it have to be living, though? Couldn't they just eat other zombies? Or hunt small animals?" Brian questioned.

"Woof bark ruff ruff woof."

"They don't like eating other zombies as much because their flesh is cold. They want warm food. And they don't feel like hunting."

"What if we got them food? Would that make up for it?" Jill posed, and the dog thought.

"Bark."

"That's a yes."

"We'll be back soon," Jill promised, and hurried the group through the unlocked door into another badly decorated green room.

"What are you going to feed them?" Petshez asked.

"One of us," Lynn said darkly, and they chose to ignore her.

"I don't know – maybe we can find something to heat up. Like we'll be going back that way, anyway."

A small group of zombies ambled around, slowly making their way towards them, as Jill picked them off one by one. The threat gone, they headed for a nearby door, wanting to get away from the horrible wallpaper they were being subjected to looking at.

Jill unlocked the door with her lockpick, and they found themselves in a bedroom that smelled strongly of something unpleasant, although they couldn't put their fingers on what.

"Ahh, this is comfy," Petshez said, lying on the bed in the middle of the room.

Jill went towards a small desk in the corner after spotting a journal on it, while Alex looked at the books on the bookcase, Brian dug through the owner's dresser and Lynn did nothing but stare grimly at the wall.

"The guy who lived in this room was apparently a gamekeeper… And had some trust issues…" Jill said, paging through the diary, "Evidently there was some sort of virus leak somewhere and they made him wear a haz-mat suit until he developed some weird, really itchy rash and blisters… Eww… He had a rotting sore on his arm?"

"Mmm," Lynn said, taking a deep breath and then coughing. "Ugh, that smell is horrible."

"What is that, anyway?" Alex asked, glancing around the room for a source.

"Maybe some really rancid cologne," Brian suggested, throwing a pile of shirts onto the floor. "He sure seems to have enough of it stashed away in this drawer…"

"This guy sounds really sick. I wonder if he caught the virus…" Jill said pensively, turning the page. "Huh? It jumps ahead a few days… And his grammar skills went completely to hell."

"Maybe he was feverish?" Alex offered, and the woman shook her head.

"No, he says his fever's gone… And he ate dog food…"

"Dog food? Who is he, Shaggy from Scooby Doo?" Brian laughed.

"He killed somebody… Oh damn, this is freaking me out… The last entry is dated '4' and says 'Itchy. Tasty.'."

"Uh… That's pretty creepy," Petshez said, and Jill turned around to face them, only now realizing where the teacher was.

"Petshez, get off that bed! It's probably infested with the virus!"

"AHH!" shrieked Petshez, leaping off the bed and flailing around. "Oh God, oh God, oh, God!"

"As far as I know, most viruses don't survive terribly long outside of the body," Lynn said apathetically, "They need a host… Although an audio book I heard suggested someone caught Ebola from a cave…"

Petshez calmed down momentarily, just to start flipping out again when a zombie abruptly burst from the walk in closet beside the bed. To everyone's surprise – except Petshez's because he was freaking out too much to notice – the zombie looked exactly like, no, was Shaggy from Scooby Doo.

"Hey… Duuuudes…" he said. "I've, like, got the munchies…"

"Get me the fuck out of here now!" Lynn said, backing into the door in alarm.

"Got any Scooby Snacks?" he questioned, getting closer to Jill.

"Get away, get away!" she shouted, gingerly pushing him away and wiping her hands on her pants frantically.

"What's wrong, guuuuys? I just want to hang out… Have a bite to eat…"

They collectively shuddered.

"Let's get out of here!" Alex yelled, heading for the door immediately.

Alex, Lynn and Petshez bolted from the room, while Brian picked through the drawers even faster, until Jill grabbed him by the arm and pulled him out into the main room.

Unfortunately, Shaggy followed them, and since they didn't know where else to go because they hadn't explored the area any further, they ran back into the area where the dogs were.

The two dogs sat up expectantly, looking at them funny as if to ask 'what the hell are you doing?'.

"Um, um, I have an idea," Brian announced, trying to think quickly. He stuffed a handkerchief into a cologne bottle he had swiped, and looked around desperately. "I need a lighter or something!"

The dog that had been silent the entire time they'd been around suddenly pulled out a lighter, holding it up for Brian to light the cloth and then lighting itself a cigarette.

The group was too engrossed in watching the door to notice the dog puffing away, and blowing smoke rings.

Shaggy threw the door open, a stupid smile spreading across his warped, decayed face. "Ready for a snack, guuuys? I think that would be tasty…"

Brian threw the makeshift Molotov cocktail in his hand, and it hit Shaggy directly, setting the zombie hippie on fire.

As if prompted by Pavlov's bell, the two Dobermans exchanged looks, and then attacked Shaggy, chomping on his charred, warm flesh, one with the cigarette still in it's mouth.

The group hurriedly went back into the green room they had been in, standing around in a disorganized circle, trying to catch their breath and gather their thoughts.

"That," said Lynn, having briefly snapped out of her suicidal guise, "Was the scariest thing I've ever seen."

Petshez was too freaked out to speak.

Brian picked through some items that seemed valuable, trying to take his mind off it. "Who knew Shaggy would work for a pharmaceutical company?"

Alex shivered. "Who knows what else is hanging around this place…"

"Death, my friends," Lynn said, "It's all around us. It could strike at any moment."

"Let's just hope there are no more undead hippies and people from TV shows, or something," Jill said, composing herself. "The last thing I'd want to see would be zombie Bob Barker."

She looked around, feeling the dread of the unknown setting in worse than ever. Her head starting to ache just from thinking of it, she pulled out a bottle of aspirin and popped the lid, looking at the pills… as they suddenly began to talk to her in unison.

"It's approaching… Oh, what tumult, turmoil, turbulence…"

She chucked the bottle across the room, the pills scattering everywhere and falling silent. The others looked at her hesitantly, and she shrugged.

"Let's get a move on, before we completely lose our minds."

---------

_That was kind of scary, even to me! Proof reading it, I feel like I must have been high, or something… Actually, I have the flu, so that might explain why it's so bizarre. I have been having really strange, borderline-disturbing dreams since I got sick…_

_With the whole Shaggy thing, I happened to be going through old memos I wrote to myself, and I found one from back around August, I think, where I had made a note to write about Shaggy being the gamekeeper from RE in one of my other stories (that dog food thing inspired me) and I never used it, so I used it in here. Seemed appropriate._

_I'm not sure where the next chapter will go, but I can definitely say, it will be really odd._

_That's it for this chapter! I've got to run, but I'll be back soon, so leave me a review and let me know what you think!_


	5. Sickening Stew

_Ah, a new chapter – finally. I was going to update weeks ago, but I haven't been doing much work on my stories for a few weeks. I have some odd ideas for this installment (although that's sort of the norm) and where they'll lead the plot, I'm not sure, but they'll be interesting either way. I had an idea for a zombie Julia Childs, though I don't know if I'll go anywhere with that yet… Actually, I'm not sure where any of this is going, yet…And for some reason, I keep getting "Admiral Akbar Cereal" from the Star Wars episode of Robot Chicken going in my head…I think I might rearrange where some items are a little, because I sort of forgot the item placement in the Director's Cut – I haven't played it in a long while, and I really need to get back to it._

_Ooh, I don't like the looks of that forecast… Apparently we're getting hit with a blizzard tomorrow. How fun. Ah well, I like snow._

------------

Chapter Five: Sickening Stew

The group headed down a small corridor within the room, aspirin crunching under their feet as they walked towards a lone door. They entered a small room that was dark and the only sound was that of water running and the long vines of a plant in the center of the room swishing back and forth.

"What the hell is that thing?" Jill asked, eyeing it weird.

"It looks almost like a cross between a jungle vine and a spider plant," Petshez replied, walking towards it.

"Um, maybe you shouldn't - "

One of the vines snapped up and hit the teacher in the face, knocking him backwards.

"Wow, that's one mean plant!" he said, just a little too cheerfully. "I knew plants could technically think, but not hostilely!"

"You never taught us that plants could attack people," Alex said, looking around for something to throw at it.

"They can't. It's just our luck we find one that can," Lynn murmured. "It's guarding something."

"Like what? Plant food?" Brian asked, and she rolled her eyes.

"Look at the wall, stupid."

Indeed, there was something on the wall.

"Hm, maybe it would feel better after having something to eat," Brian said, walking over to the water pump, where the lid had been left open, pulling out a white bag and dumping the contents in the water.

"Where did you get that?" Jill questioned, wondering why he'd been carrying around a heavy bag of something all this time.

"It was outside, next to a boiler."

The plant suddenly turned red and shrieked, flailing its vines around before it shriveled up.

"I guess it didn't like it."

"Brian, that's herbicide," Petshez said, pointing at the words on the bag, "See, it says right there."

"… Oops."

"Well, now we can get to the wall," Jill said, not concerned in the least about the plant, as she went to step over the vines.

"Maybe we could revive it," Brian suggested to Petshez, who seemed to like the idea.

"There's a possibility that giving it fresh water might do something. Look, a hose!"

"Guys, don't even think about it," Jill began, but they ignored her, putting the hose into the water pump.

She looked at what seemed to be a crest set in the wall, and she began picking at it until it fell out… And then a key fell out, too.

"Huh, I wonder what these are for…"

All of a sudden, the plant screeched and wrapped a vine around Jill's wrist, trying to get her to drop the two items.

"No plant pushes me around!" she shouted, reaching into the water where the body of the plant was submerged and punching it repeatedly.

The others just watched in silence, rather disturbed and maybe slightly amused by the very odd spectacle.

As if the situation couldn't get any more bizarre, the plant unexpectedly donned boxing gloves on two of its vines and began punching Jill in the face.

In another part of the mansion…

Wesker stood in the hallway, tapping his foot impatiently on the floor while the two imbeciles were using the bathroom… together.

The door finally opened, and they came out, Grompone dripping wet.

"What took you idiots so long?" Wesker muttered, and Grompone shook his head like a dog, splattering water on everything nearby. Including his two companions.

"I had to take a shower," Grompone answered, and O'Shinsky nodded enthusiastically.

"And I had to make sure that Norman Bates didn't show up to stab him!"

Wesker wanted to shoot himself.

"Now we're hungry. Is there a Burger King here?"

"No," he said, wondering what planet this kid was from, "But there is a kitchen."

"Can we go there? If I don't get something to eat, I might die," Grompone explained.

"I wish."

"What?"

"Nothing," Wesker replied, "If I take you to the kitchen, will you quit it with the retarded shenanigans?"

"Is that a trick question?"

"Okay then, never mind. Just shut up and follow me."

Back in the plant room…

Jill was ripping vines off left and right, getting covered in some kind of purple-ish goo that appeared to have once been some form of congealed blood.

"Hey, Petshez, do you have any toast points? I think that plant is bleeding grape jelly."

Petshez, being the idiot he is, decided to taste-test it. Then he spit it out. "BLAH! Wait…" Then tasted it again, and spit it out again. "Yeah, it's still disgusting."

Jill stomped on what was left of the shrieking plant until it fell silent, and the pool of water was full of purple goo.

"Damn plant, trying to mug me," she murmured, wiping goo off of her clothes as she stepped over severed vines covering the floor.

"You're a complete psycho," Lynn said, "And I thought those two soldiers I dated were bad."

"Heh," Brian laughed, "Instead of 'Semper Fidelis', your motto should be 'Semper Fu - "

"Don't even go there, asshole!"

" –ck."

"I am going to kill you when you least expect it…" Lynn grumbled, and Brian just sniggered.

"Well, now I'm going to be expecting it, because you just warned me."

"Come on, be nice to each other," Petshez pleaded, "We need to work together!"

"We can work together to kill him," Alex said.

"This key has a helmet on it," Jill said, changing the subject. "What do you think that means?"

"That it's the key to that thing the Man in the Iron Mask had to wear?" Brian suggested.

"You mean a mask?" Jill questioned, with a weird expression. "No, it's a helmet. It must go to a specific door, but there are so many doors in this place."

"I think that's because no one was meant to leave," Lynn replied, and the entire group turned to look at her.

"You're really creepy now. What happened?" Alex asked, and Lynn turned to exit the room.

"Everything and nothing."

"Of all the kids in the world, I get stuck with one who talks in morbid and confusing riddles," Jill sighed.

Petshez took on a sympathetic tone. "Hey, it could be worse."

Elsewhere in the mansion…

"Why is it every time we go through a door with one of those funny symbols on it, you lock it afterwards?" O'Shinsky asked, watching Wesker pocket a key ring with four keys on it, each with a different design.

"Because."

"Because why?"

"Do you want to die?"

"Haha, that rhymed!" Grompone said happily.

O'Shinsky wasn't satisfied with not knowing much about this place. "Why did they use armor, helmet, shield and sword designs?"

"It might be because the guy who owns the place descended from European nobility – and nobility includes knights."

"Who owns this place?"

"The most illusive person in the world."

"More illusive than a chupacabra?"

"Yes."

"Do you know him?"

"Sort of."

"Are you friends?"

"No."

"Do you have any friends?"

"One."

"How did you meet your friend?"

"We worked together, with this complete weirdo named – wait, why am I telling you this?" he asked, stopping in his tracks. "No more questions. The kitchen is right through here."

He pushed the door open and the three walked into the kitchen to find… Zombie Julia Childs!

"Helloooo!" she said cheerfully in her bubbly British accent. "You're just in time! I was about to begin!"

Wesker raised an eyebrow, being rather disturbed for someone who doesn't scare very easily. "Begin what?"

"Cooking, silly! Come, come, take a seat! I'll make you some lunch!" she ushered them towards a row of bar stools that were lining the table in the middle of the room, her hands very cold and slimy feeling.

They sat down, not really sure what else to do in such an odd situation, and she went around to the other side of the table where numerous bowls and ingredients were laid out.

"Now, today I will be making a traditional stew!"

Wesker looked from Julia to the two morons, who were watching the undead woman with thrilled expressions.

"Now, first you take a bottle of wine, you pour half of it in a pot and you drink the other half." She downed the wine faster than is remotely possible for a normal living person.

"Add some blood." She dumped a bowl of thickening blood into the pot of wine.

"Five month old milk." She turned the carton of milk over, but nothing came out, so she bit into it and tore the cardboard open with her teeth. A solid white blob smelling of sulfur fell into the pot.

"Now for the solid ingredients! Human eyeballs – harvested from dead humans, of course," she added, noticing the looks she got from the three living humans she was cooking for. The human eyeballs, all with different colored irises, floated in the liquid, eerily peering up at them.

"A rotten carrot." She began chopping it, and in the process, chopped off the end of her finger. "Oops. Well, more to enjoy!" she said merrily, throwing it in the pot with the chopped carrot.

"The diced liver of a Hunter."

"What's a Hunter?" Grompone asked, looking to Wesker.

"A giant, muscular frog, more or less."

"The meat-like substance cut from the body of a Hall Monitor," Julia said, tossing black, fuzzy skin into the pot.

"What's a Hall Monitor? One of those uptight assholes that patrol the halls in our school?" O'Shinsky asked.

"No. It's sort of like a fly and a human had – forget it."

"Leeches," Julia said, dumping leeches that were still alive into the pot.

"Err," Wesker said, "Where did you get those? There definitely aren't any to be found here."

"I commuted here on a train in the middle of the woods," Julia replied with a smile, which made them nauseous at the sight of her green and black teeth stained with blood (hey, whoever said zombies had good dental work?).

"And the final ingredient, purple goo from plant 42!"

"Ha, she did a rhyme too!" Grompone clapped his hands together.

"The stew is all ready now! You, the blond chap, you get to taste it first." She held the pot up and on sight of the concoction inside, Wesker jumped off the stool and started backing for the door.

"Sorry, but we need to be going – I have to meet this guy, and blackmail him into killing people for me."

"Smashing! He can have some stew, too!"

"Well, him I really don't care about… But I'm not touching that stuff."

"But it looks so good!" O'Shinsky said, trying to convince Wesker to give it a shot.

"Boys," he said slowly, trying to think of some excuse to leave that didn't reveal more of his evil plot. "I don't have time. We have to go… have a meeting… in Mexico… with Ronald McDonald!"

"Ronald McDonald? Sweet!" the two retards said in unison, getting up and heading for the door.

"Just have a taste! You'll love it!" Julia called after them joyfully, as they ran away as fast as they could.

-----------

_I was going to cover more ground with Jill, but I got going with that kitchen thing and just ran with it. It seemed like a good place to leave off – albeit a disturbing one. Damn, when I try to come up with something gross for a recipe it gets really, really weird. And for anyone who hasn't played the original version of RE, a "Hall Monitor" is this thing that looks like a cross between a human and a fly – and swings from the ceiling like a monkey. I had no idea what they were until I read a guide for the original game that referred to them by name. Actually, that was the only reference I've ever found to them – they're not even mentioned in my Archives book (which cites the Gamecube versions, so I'm not surprised). I dunno why they were only in the original and the Director's Cut. I guess someone making the later versions didn't like them or something. They scare the hell out of me, that's for sure._

_Well, that's all for this chapter. Hopefully I'll update this sooner than I have been lately. Okay, you know what to do – leave me a review and let me know what you think!_


End file.
